Know way
Our desire to be known and how we utilize different communication levels in our relationships
Recently, I read the Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery as part of
’s summer book club. This is a story of knowing and understanding others as well as being known. The two main characters, Renee and Paloma, have a desire to know and be known. Because of this desire they often hide their true selves away until someone comes along who they deem ‘worthy’ enough for them to open themselves up to or that someone pulls part of their soul open.
I really identified with both of these characters as I often find myself in similar situations. My desire is to know others and be known myself, but often the way to get there is a confusing and unclear path. I think some of this confusion can be culturally driven but also involves different communication levels that we have in our relationships.
In 2015, I studied abroad in Copenhagen, Denmark for five months. In that time, I lived with a sweet Danish family and managed to learn a fair amount of the language as I became involved in a Danish church and college group. At the beginning of my time in Denmark, Danish and non-Danish people alike told me that Danes are prickly on the outside, but once you pass their outer wall of defense, they are very open. Americans, on the other hand are the opposite, we tend to be happy and bubbly, but it takes a lot to reach our hard core that includes our thoughts, hopes, dreams and beliefs. My host mom likened Danes to coconuts and Americans to peaches.
This analogy has stuck with me over the years and I have found that it is an interesting way to consider relationships and the willingness to be deep and open with others. In my Substack introduction post, I shared how I love deep conversations where I can be open with someone and discuss knowledge, ideas, or thoughts. Recently, I have been thinking about conversation and relationships and the different levels of communication we have as humans. This idea is not new, so I do not take credit for it, but I thought to unpack it some here as a way for me to process communication in relationships.
Different people identify varying communication levels, but I have thought of these levels as surface, ideas, and personal. Surface communication involves discussion about the things around us - what most would consider ‘small talk’ which is the bane of every introverts existence. Idea communication is one step deeper and can encompass discussions about what we are learning at work or in the world. Typically, these conversations foster a mental connection with someone else. Personal communication is where we show the deeper sides of ourself. This often takes more time and effort to feel comfortable enough to be on this level with others and can be both emotional and spiritual.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” While I do not think Eleanor pulls out the personal element of communication, I can relate to this quote and the strong desire to discuss ideas and not see the value in discussing events or people.
I grew up in the South and a lot of the day-to-day, quick conversations with others are on the surface level and typically revolve around the weather, how so and so is doing, and what your [insert season here] plans are. I really do not enjoy small talk. I can tend to be pretty serious and want to dive in deeply with people before they may be ready. My favorite plane to be on is the ideas and personal level - I want to mentally connect with another and also learn how they tick. However, it has taken me time and introspection to realize that small talk has a purpose and can still be a way to connect with others.
For those of us who are introspective processors (whether in our heads or on paper), it can feel risky to share an idea that you are still processing without it coming across as judgmental. Looking back, I can think of specific examples where my initial response to a situation was on the more extreme end and it took time and prayer to moderate my understanding of the situation as well as how I communicated about it. In those instances sharing the ideas ahead of their processing could have (and sometimes did) hurt others by my belligerence and belief that I was right and that any challenge of the idea was a challenge of me. I intentionally do not share the specific idea I am thinking of because the point is not the discussion of the idea and its merits or lack thereof, but how sharing ideas can feel risky if they are not fully thought through.
With sharing on the personal and idea level, it can be hard to know if others are truly interested in engaging. At any time, there is so much going on in my head and it is difficult to know if others want to know about it. As Barbery said in Elegance of the Hedgehog: “I’m afraid to go into myself and see what’s going on in there.” Sadly, most of the time I assume people are uninterested in what is going on in my head because A) it can be odd and B) I have been burned in the past by sharing things that meant a lot to me to have someone not be interested. This can particularly sting when you share something personal to have it be met with an unexpected response.
Intuitively, I realize that I should continue to share my big ideas and personal thoughts, but it can be hard to open my heart and mind to do that as I worry about unmet expectations and not being heard. Both Paloma and Renee wanted to be known and all of us as humans have this innate desire. It can take a lot of work to be known with culture playing a part in our capacity to do so. However, I believe that it is worthwhile to try and open yourself up to be known as well as to seek to know others deeply even though there is risk involved.
The deep conversations I crave are often kickstarted when I open myself up to another person by sharing what is on my heart and in my mind. Vulnerability fosters connection on varying levels that bring immense relational value. I definitely find myself thinking more often about the levels of communication and seeking to understand how each of them plays a part in my relationships with others.