Pregnant women are more than their bodies
Thoughts on body image in pregnancy and comments about pregnant women's bodies
As I entered my third trimester last week and am on the home stretch of pregnancy, I have been thinking extensively about how society views pregnant women and comments that can be made about our bodies. To be clear, I am very thankful to be pregnant (especially after prior loss) and I have enjoyed the body changes that have occurred as I know they are normal and natural and I am growing a human! But I still think it is important to speculate on why there seems to be a freedom to comment on pregnant women’s bodies. The general topic of body image is now especially important to me because I am having a daughter and she will grow up in a world that can be hyper-fixated on body image. The time I spend thinking about this topic will affect how I encourage and model to her of how to view her body as she grows older.
I have a complicated history with body image. My concern with how I looked started at an early age. Recently, I found one of my 8-year-old Emma prayer journals and in one of the entries I prayed to lose my stomach pooch, as an 8-year-old. Reading that as an adult broke my heart that my young self felt the pressure of diet culture and that I should look a certain way. In elementary school, I was pre-diabetic and ended up on a sugar-free diet to avoid developing Type 2 diabetes. In my teens, I had three knee surgeries in two years which led to rapid weight gain as I was unable to do any exercising beyond PT exercises. In high school and college, I did not have a healthy view of food and exercise and was the first to make comments about ‘working off a dessert’ or to comment on how much I loved carbs. It was not until grad school and the start of my weightlifting journey that I realized how disordered my view of eating, exercise, and my body was. In the past six years I have done extensive research, soul-searching, and rewiring of my thought patterns when it comes to body image, eating, and exercise.
I knew that becoming pregnant, while wonderful, would be a challenge for me to not fall back into my past thought patterns (and will likely be even more of a challenge postpartum). However, I did not expect the barrage of well-meaning yet surprising comments and questions that come with the territory of being pregnant. Random strangers have asked me how much weight I have gained, a regular comment I receive is about how big/small I look on a given day, people have even told me I should eat more/less based on how I look which is a conversation only appropriate between me and my doctor.
While I believe all of these comments are well-intentioned, and I truly try to take them as such, they have caused me to ask a bigger philosophical question: Why do we feel that it is ok to comment on a woman’s body during pregnancy? It seems as if once a woman is pregnant people feel more free to talk about her body. I expect that a good amount of this likely stems from excitement as pregnancy and new life are hugely exciting events! But I think some of it is due to societal views of women and the emphasis placed on a woman’s appearance.
Something my husband and I talk about often is how women tend to compliment how each other looks on the regular. I definitely am quick to compliment a friend’s outfit and hair when she is wearing something cute! But these conversations about how women compliment each other have challenged me to offer my friends compliments not based on their appearance. Our appearance is only one part of us, so if I only comment on how my friend looks I am in a way only focusing only on what I can see and not considering her as a whole person - body, soul, and mind.
As Sam Allberry writes in What God Has to Say About our Bodies, “The Bible gives us unique insight. To those who tend to see themselves—the “real me”—as the person they feel or believe themselves to be deep down inside, the Bible shows that their body is not incidental to who they are. And to those who have a ton of their identity invested in their body, the Bible shows that there is more to them than how they physically appear to others. Your body is not nothing. Nor is it everything. Is your body you? Yes. It is intrinsic to who you are. But it is also not the totality of who you are.”
Only commenting on the appearance of other women can reinforce that their value is in their appearance. The value of appearance in our society is ubiquitous. Pretty pictures receive more likes, the ‘beautiful’ are platformed and followed, and there are whole positive feedback loops of moneymaking beauty industries that prey on insecurities of women propagated from diet culture and an ageist system. Companies are more likely to hire conventionally attractive women than nonconventionally attractive women. Women in general receive more comments about their appearance than men do and men are more likely to be praised for specific qualities (eg, being a leader, being competitive, being a team player). This can devalue competencies of women.
Commenting on a pregnant woman’s body can also carry the subtle connotation that she is just her pregnant body and that may be all that others see her as. It can be easy for her personhood to be lost in the process of pregnancy. I hypothesize that this sort of thinking can have the trickle down effect of leading to the neglect of the mother that can occur postpartum. I have heard from several friends that after birth everyone is concerned with the baby, but may not be checking in on the mother and how she is coping with all the new changes. If a pregnant woman’s body and not her as a person becomes the focus of how others view her pregnancy it naturally follows that this kind of neglect can occur postpartum.
For myself, I have noticed that pregnancy is common topic of conversations I have with others which makes sense since it is a big part of my life at the moment. However, far less conversation occurs about my work or hobbies or Christian life. While I do enjoy sharing about my pregnancy and how I am doing especially since my husband and I have yearned to be pregnant for a while, I also value conversations beyond the exciting life change on the horizon. Part of me wonders if this stems from the fact that my body testifies to this life change of being pregnant and if it is subconsciously harder for people to look past my pregnant body to the person I am.
Another element in this discussion is that when people make comments about a pregnant woman’s body it can subtly communicate that a pregnant woman’s body is being scrutinized. While these changes to the body are a good, natural, and exciting, it can still be difficult to watch your body change over the course of nine months and know that others are closely paying attention to that process as well. This attention is likely because others are excited but it can still be disconcerting to know that you are being inspected by others.
For those with a history of body image struggles, the knowledge that others are acutely aware of your body in the same way that you are can be particularly hard to wrestle with. For myself, I spent a lot of time before becoming pregnant intentionally thinking less about my body and what it looked like and instead focusing on all the amazing things it can do and how it supports my lifestyle. When others comment on how big/small I am as a pregnant woman or make comments about my food choices it tempts me to think about my body more by what it looks like versus what it is doing in miraculously growing a human.
Thinking about practical implications of this discussion, I would argue that there is no need to talk about or make comments to a pregnant woman about her body. This could cause her to draw unneeded attention to how she looks in a time when coping with the pregnancy body changes can be difficult. Personally, I do not think that positive comments like ‘your bump is so cute’ or ‘you look great’ should be made about a pregnant woman’s body either, but I know others feel differently about receiving positive comments than I do. Maybe instead, ask the mama-to-be how she is feeling or what she is most excited about. Build her up with encouragement of how she will be a good mom or ask her how you can pray for her during this season. Going one step further you can ask her about how other areas of life are so you affirm her personhood outside of her pregnancy.
Let me be clear that the comments I received have not bothered me - rather, they have caused me to ponder and consider how I talk about others bodies (whether pregnant or not) and consider how I want to raise my daughter in a world rife with commentary about women’s bodies. I know that I will continue to receive comments about my pregnant body especially as I near the end of pregnancy and I will just smile and move on knowing that my worth is not in my body, but in being the woman God created me to be.