Thoughts on Motherhood
One month of being a mama to sweet Saphira
One month ago, our daughter Saphira Elizabeth Valkyrie was born and our lives changed forever. It has been such an unexpectedly sweet month and I am beyond grateful.
I mentioned in my post about taking a break from Substack that I expected I would still be processing life with words in this new season and that has been abundantly true. Ever since we came home from the hospital, I have spent a lot of time journaling. I wrote in my regular journal which is where I shared our birth story in detail, the early weeks, and how I am processing them. I also purchased two Promptly journals - one to keep track of Saphira’s life over the years since the journal goes from pregnancy to 18 years old and one to help me process the pregnancy/postpartum period. The mornings that Saphira sleeps longer than me I settle in the rocking chair in the nursery with a cup of coffee or on my porch and journal a few of the prompts. Taking some time to process by putting words on a page has helped keep me grounded in this early postpartum time. I also recognize that even having the time to write has been a gift.
I honestly did not expect to be writing a Substack so early in the postpartum period, but it has felt right. We have had a relatively easy and chill first few weeks and Saphira does sleep in her bassinet which has given me an opportunity to use that time for other things.
In this early postpartum period I wanted to capture as many thoughts, feelings, and reflections as I could as I know I will forget what this time was like unless I write about it.
One of my fears during postpartum was that I would have my daughter and not know who I was anymore. I worried that my identity as Emma would be lost and fully superseded by being a mother. Thus far, I have been pleasantly surprised by this period of adjusting to motherhood. I am still me, but I have a new facet to myself and feel enlarged. For any video game people out there, I have unlocked a new, secret level of my personality that I did not know or realize was there behind a hidden door. Or as Cheyenne Bluett put it in an incredible poetry book titled The Sweetest Little Blueberry: ‘Then I had you and I realized I didn’t lose myself by becoming your mother, I found another piece of myself that I can proudly add to the kaleidoscope of who I am.’
I have never been a ‘baby person’. One of the first days home with Saphira my Mum showed me the easiest way to properly hold a newborn which demonstrates my level of comfort (or lack thereof) with babies. Surprisingly, taking care of our girl has felt second nature at times and there has been immense enjoyment in reading to her, loving on her, and nursing her. I have learned so much these past four weeks and truly feel that the Lord equipped me to love Saphira well and care for her needs.
Where I thought I would be impatient when something did not abide by my schedule, there is patience with this new person and her routines/rhythms, where I worried I would be angry at sleep disruption, there is immense love that I get the privilege to care for this little one even at the wee hours of the morning, where I dreaded the unknown, there is peace in knowing that the Lord equips us for each season and He has already done and will continue to do so.
Another aspect I worried about before birth was letting people in on the vulnerable and overwhelming moments of motherhood. I do not like being vulnerable in person with people and find it much easier to be vulnerable in a written format. I also tend to shut down when overwhelmed and I expected that this early postpartum period would be a constant state of overwhelm. Again surprisingly, I have craved the company of others, even in hard moments, as having someone be witness to those moments makes them feel less hard. Some moments have been overwhelming, but learning to interpret Saphira’s cues has helped with identifying specific ways to help her feel better.
On the whole this first month has been really sweet and it has been wonderful to be on a team with my husband and see him as a dad. My confidence as a mom is much greater now than it was a few weeks ago and I look forward to seeing how it continues to grow. It is such a blessing to have our little one here and to enter this new phase of life together.
One area that I am trying to grow in during this time is actively focusing on each day and not looking to the future or dwelling on the life I used to have. Obviously, we have been excited for Saphira to enter our family, but there is still an element of sadness that it will never be just me and my husband again. I have been surprised by the grief of this realization juxtaposed with the joy of Saphira’s arrival.
At the same time, it is easy for me to think ahead to a week or month down the road and wonder what Saphira will be learning or worrying about my transition back to work. The time I have off on maternity leave is precious, unique, and fleeting. I want to look back on this time and say that I used it well and did not spend time worrying about the future, or dwelling on the past but that I lived these precious moments with my daughter. Hopefully I can continue journaling about my experience to help me process this life transition, but also capture the sweet memories.