Shutting off the planner in me
Pregnancy planning brain is taking over
In my time on Substack, I have not been shy about sharing how I thrive off of planning, productivity, and efficiency. I have waxed about rushing through life, the lure of accomplishment culture, and the value of pivoting plans. For me, Substack often functions as a place to process my current mental state and put words to thoughts I may not take the time to unpack unless I write about them. Today’s post will be along these lines as I am having big thoughts all the time about the impending arrival of my daughter in a few short months.
At the beginning of pregnancy, I made a list of all the tasks my husband and I needed to complete ahead of baby girl’s arrival. Slowly, but surely we have been checking these tasks off the list and we are in a great position with 2 months left to go! Having so much done and ready to go feels great and it also helps me lean into the illusion that we are prepared even though I know no one can be fully prepared for parenthood.
In the past few weeks as we have set up the nursery, washed clothes, and completed some of those more critical tasks, my to-do list has been winding down. Typically, once my to-do list for the day is completed, I am able to sit down, rest, and enter into relaxation time which for me most often involves reading a good book accompanied by a strong cup of tea. However, I have not been able to turn off my brain recently in the evenings. My mind will spin as I wonder if I have forgotten something related to baby care or an item we need or neglected to research something about birth. This then leads to the inevitable reddit rabbit trail where I read pregnancy forums for a while or just sit on my phone googling with no real purpose. I have been having to intentionally tell myself “baby stuff is done for the day - move on and do something for yourself.’’
I have been both surprised and not surprised by this turn of events.
One of my core desires in life is to be prepared. This has been definitely put to the test with pregnancy as I am entering a phase of life I have never been in and do not know how it will go. It is easy for me to make the mental leap that failure in any endeavor is due to lack of preparation - even though I know that is not true in many cases. My skills in planning have served me well so far in this journey. Organizationally, I can quickly whip up a system, execute that system, and tweak the system. Albeit some of the baby systems I have developed, such as my clothes organization system, may or may not be sustainable in the long-term (we will see). While I appreciate these skills greatly, I also need to not let them run wild.
In the past month and a half, I have been surprised by my almost inability to be logical about turning off my brain. I am sure that hormones and nesting play a part into this, but my husband has had to tell me probably 4-5 times in the past few weeks to go do something fun and for myself and stop ruminating on baby stuff. This is not typical for me and it has been odd to struggle with this. My thoughts revolving around baby are not even about looking forward to the next stage, but an innate desire to be prepared and think through everything.
Spending time preparing, planning, and organizing satisfies my desire to feel that I know what is on the horizon and can handle it without overwhelm. This desire for control pairs directly with my fear of not being able to handle something and feeling that I did not prepare adequately. More often than not, I listen to the lie that the time I spend preparing will translate to a good outcome even though I logically know that is not true. Yet, most days this lie wins out in my brain and I blissfully plan, organize, and prepare without asking if I need to do those things today in this moment.
The real kicker in all of this is that I know this time before baby girl’s arrival is fleeting and I will never have time like it again. I want to use the time wisely and prioritize hobbies that I may not have the opportunity to pursue in the same way. If I do not use the time well, I will look back in regret asking myself why I did not live in the moment.
Ultimately, this struggle with turning my brain off has shown me that I fail to recognize that God calls me to seek Him out for strength because my own strength will not cut it. I expect to be greatly humbled in parenthood as I pride myself on self-sufficiency, having and gathering knowledge, and being prepared. But as the Bible says, ‘knowledge puffs up’ but wisdom comes from above.
Identifying and processing the problem through writing is the first step - so I hope that I can keep this at the forefront of my mind in the next two months and truly enjoy the time I have to read, do pottery, spend time with friends, and exercise. I am excited for this new and different life around the corner, but I want to enjoy the life the Lord has given me right now.